Mrs. Stoltzfus lived in a little cabin in Alaska with her wonderful husband and four young children, whom she was fond of most of the time, and way too many dogs for her comfort. She liked her life, with the orchid in her kitchen window (a gift from Wonderful Husband) and the quiet spaces at the beginning and end of the day when the children were in bed and the cabin felt big, and peaceful, and clean. She didn’t even mind that there was still insulation showing on the ceiling and that the bathroom wasn’t finished, nor were the electrical outlets properly covered in trim little fronts.
But then one Sunday after church the Stoltzfus’s visited a friend’s house and when Mrs. Stoltzfus saw the roomy kitchen with its stylish distressed cupboards and granite countertops she felt a little dismayed at the difference. The living room boasted nice furniture with no dog hair to be found, and a plush throw was draped invitingly over a chair. Each detail of the house was charming, luxurious, in style, but instead of feeling pampered, Mrs. Stoltzfus felt very, very small.
When they got home late that night she glanced around the cabin in the last light of the Alaskan sunset and couldn’t help but see how tiny the house was, how cramped and unfinished the living room looked, and how unfashionable the few decorations.
Mrs. Stoltzfus found herself growing increasingly discontent as the days passed, and she no longer found beauty and contentment in the small delights of living in a cabin. The quiet sunrise was lost on her, the ease of sweeping the entire house in five minutes, the joy of having everything in its place for the night.
One day she started reading back posts of a blog she had recently started following. The writer spoke of a deep relationship with Jesus, and her journey with foster care and ways to bless a hurting family in the community. Mrs. Stoltzfus read on and on, spellbound by the writer’s relatable writing style, intrigued by her humor and wanting to cry when her description of the church she grew up in took her back in time with her own memories.
When she had finished, the insecurities flooded and Mrs. Stoltzfus was left feeling very limp inside. She also wrote a blog; had been, in fact, one post a week for three years, but suddenly her posts seemed petty, her writing weak. “I need to do better,” Mrs. Stoltzfus thought. “I need to write thought provoking articles and funny stories. I need to post more than once a week and write things that are more relatable so people will comment and build a community.
And so she tried. Mrs. Stoltzfus tried really hard. But the children missed their mommy, and her husband got tired of meals being late.
Her sister called and talked about homeschooling and how well her four year old was doing at Bible memorization and writing her own name. Mrs. Stoltzfus got off the phone and felt a headache coming on. “Writing!” she thought. “Bible memory! I have a four year old and have not started teaching him any of that yet! He will be behind his age group! He will be hampered his whole life from learning disabilities! He will not even know any Bible verses!” And so in great agitation she got out her schedule book and made a list of which things were going to be taught on which days and set up a rigorous timeline so her son could catch up to her sister’s children.
It was hard to do so much, but it was going ok until the day Mrs. Stoltzfus visited her neighbor for coffee and saw her garden. It was lush. It was green. And she had never seen such beautiful produce! The broccoli were bigger than the ones in the store, the cauliflower nearly vibrated with health and the beans, the beans!!, hung heavy on the plants. (“One raised bed produced a five gallon bucket on the first picking,” exclaimed the jubilant neighbor.)
Mrs. Stoltzfus dragged herself and her grumpy children home and looked her own garden over with a disparaging eye. The potatoes were doing decently, but the peas were half hearted. As for the broccoli and cauliflower, they just couldn’t seem to make up their minds if they were going to grow or die. With a sigh Mrs Stoltzfus got a hoe and got to work. Maybe if she removed every weed and mulched with dry grass and watered the garden every day it would grow like her neighbor’s garden and be beautiful.
On Sunday Mrs. Stoltzfus was exhausted from a week of writing and homeschooling and trying to get her garden to grow. She managed to get all the children dressed and combed and somewhat clean (the spots that showed anyhow). She sighed with relief to be sitting in the van for the drive to church and looked forward to a day of rest from her labors.
But at the fellowship meal after church she noticed that hardly anybody had eaten the food she had brought. It was spaghetti, slapped together with store bought sauce at the last minute and it paled in comparison to the cheesy potato casserole and meatloaf and ham and creamy green beans brought by the other ladies.
“I’m slipping,” Mrs. Stoltzfus thought. “I’m not feeding my family well. I MUST put more effort into cooking.”
So she made donuts that week, and four course dinners with dessert, and her husband was pleased, and her children asked for spaghetti and she was too tired to read stories in the evenings.
There was a ladies night that week, where all the church ladies got together for an evening to chat and eat cheesecake and drink coffee. Mrs. Stoltzfus looked forward to it all week, but once she was there she couldn’t help but notice that Mrs. Miller had a stylish new dress and Mrs. Tealy had a beautiful tan. The ladies discussed healthy beauty products and exercises to lose the baby weight and Mrs Stoltzfus tried to suck in her sagging belly and felt uncomfortable. She really should spend a little more time on exercise and self care!
Before long it was Christmas time and pictures came in the mail from friends and family – beautiful pictures with clean, happy faces and parents doing fun things with their children.
“That’s what I’m missing,” thought Mrs Stoltzfus. “I’m not spending enough time with my children. I need to take them fun places and sit down and read books for at least an hour every day and color pictures with them.”
But the baby cried the whole time they were at the park because it was cold, and her older children stood around and stared at the other children, and one tried to pee behind the slide, so they all went home and tried to do the other things instead. Except the baby didn’t sleep and the potatoes boiled over and the two year old started eating the crayons.
And then one day Mrs. Stoltzfus crashed. She felt she could not do another thing even if it meant she fell woefully behind everyone else. And finally, finally, when she had recuperated from doing too much, she decided she would not do what everyone else was doing but would start thanking Jesus for the things she had been given. Every morning she wrote down ten things she was thankful for and before long she was able to be content with what she had instead of wanting to be the best she saw in everyone else.
The cabin is still unfinished, and her four year old does not write his name yet, nor does her garden grow very well. Her blog posts are so-so and what she cooks depends on how much time she feels like devoting to it. She does spend more time reading to her children, but self care is nonexistent most days, and the baby belly still exists.
But most of all, she is happy, and loves her life, and her husband and children enjoy her company much, much more.
When do you find yourself comparing your life/talents to others? What do you do about it?
*Although this story is true and it all happened to me, it did not happen in this particular order.
Thank you, I’ve had a similar experience. I think Jesus is telling me to balance my life, Him first, my husband and children, self needs to be last. Too many things I want to do interfere with what He wants me to do. Let all things be done decently and in order. 1 Corinthians 14:40. Lets look at what the Lord has planned and what He wants us to do. It brings peace!
This is an area in which I struggle as well. Maybe it is common to all?! =) Like Shelly said, I do love my life and believe the choices we’ve made are the right ones for us. I feel a little ridiculous then, when I am intimidated by some people’s beautiful homes and decorating skills, for example, and feel “less than” because of our smaller simple home, even though we’ve intentionally chosen that path. It has been eye-opening as well, when other people tell me THEY are intimidated by ME. What in the world?! =) A reminder I need often and repeatedly is that peace (and true success!) comes in being secure, confident and glad to be just who God made me to be. I don’t need to grasp for identity in what I can or cannot do. I don’t need to drag others down in order to lift myself up. I don’t need to demand opportunities to use my gifts and prove my worth. I can humbly offer the gifts God has given me, and rejoice with others as they do the same!
I don’t know you and just happened onto your blog. I read a handful of entries and appreciated the variety and everyday “realness.” Your life sounds like an adventure! =) An idea…register your blog at https://themennonitegame.com/directory/
God bless!
I can totally relate to this. Like you said, we have chosen a simpler lifestyle and yet there’s still the envy of big houses, nice decorations etc.
Thanks for the suggestion for growing my blog. I really appreciate that!
I loved this. I felt great solidarity and I don’t even have any children. Thanks for your honesty.
Thanks, Tabitha, for being vulnerable & real. It is life where we live now, no matter what gifts & circumstances God has given or not given to us. God asks for faithfulness. And He helps us to be faithful. We can’t begin to do it on our own. Thankfully He keeps working on each one of us as we journey faithfully with Him. God bless you on the journey, Tabitha!
This is a great post, Tabitha!
I loved this so very much! I can relate very well, in June we will also have 3 littles aged 3 and under. The comparison trap is real and hard, but just not worth it. I just discovered your blog. I very sporadically write one too. bostoncouleeranch.wordpress.com
Thanks for commenting! I’ll be sure to check out your blog. It sounds like we have a lot in common.
Wonderful, wonderful post! Thank you!
Tabitha, I loved this! Our little frustrations, comparings, and strivings are so real in the moment but, looking back, can seem rather silly. (I thought of that last bit in a British accent, because Mom is currently listening to The Chronicles of Narnia.) You wrote this well, and I so enjoy hearing from you. 🙂
Bless your heart, Tabitha! When I think back to the years when our children were little, I think it’s remarkable that you blog at all! Your accounts and pictures of your life are REAL, which is refreshing. Keep it up! My advice to you is to don’t stress about schooling; it’s far more important at this stage that you train them to obey, and to be kind…and those don’t require any special supplies or allocated time. That will make them into adults you love to be with; and that’s sooo rewarding! And in reply to your question, when I begin feeling discontent, it’s helpful to remember who it is that I love most dearly, and who most dearly loves me, and remember that keeping them happy and content is my job. =)
You’re right about obedience training being the most important thing right now. Sometimes I lose my focus, but when I make training my priority I can see such a difference in my children and they are enjoyable to be with NOW, not just as adults.
Tabitha,
I think you hit on a very real issue that we as women struggle with. I definitely could identify. I remember a guest SS teacher saying in our earlier married years to be content with the wages that your husband brings home. It has been a challenge to do that at times when I saw others taking expensive family vacations, living in lavishly-decorated houses, etc, but life has been so much happier when I am content.
I also struggled with feeling inferior in my abilities. I wasn’t the best seamstress, cook, or gardener, but I was able to do a mediocre job, and provide for the needs of my family. I thought maybe I would “shine” in my writing talent, until I went to a Writer’s Conference, where I felt very small and inexperienced, compared to others who had made it a profession, or published a book.
And then children come along and it’s so easy to make comparisons to others their ages and push them to be the best, too, which isn’t fair to them to fulfill dreams, that we could never accomplish either. Children tend to embarrass and humble you, more than you wish, as they may act up at the most inappropriate times, when we are wishing to impress others with our child discipline.
Over the years, I’ve come to accept the fact that it’s OK to be a Jill-of-all-trades; we don’t have to be the BEST in everything or anything, but only faithful in the spot where God has called us. Now at 53 yrs old, I am the “old lady” in our small church, and have no peers here – no peer pressure! It is freeing to realize that people know I grew up in a different time era, and overlook my “odd” ways, but I do enjoy getting around my own age group, when I have the chance to discuss issues pertaining to giving guidance to adult children in the home, and releasing them in marriage. I also enjoy observing grandparents and in-laws, and pray that I can have good relationships with the next generation, and not make ignorant mistakes.
– Another Mrs Stoltzfus
This is wonderful! I can learn a lot from your example, “Mrs. Stoltzfus.” Yes, I think all of us want to be the “best” at something, but it’s statistically impossible! It can be rough to have courage and continue on with our best when our ego sustains a blow and we realize someone else does something so much better than we ever can.
Thanks for commenting!
I think gratitude is the key! Coming home and thanking God for all you DO have! It’s okay to come home feeling inspired, but when you’re feeling condemned you know that those feelings are not coming from God! The path He has for each of us is different, and it’s good!
Tabitha, My oh, is this ever true of more people than I care to admit, myself included. I LOVE reading your posts, so please don’t compare. These days with the coronavirus, we all should be rethinking our priorities and enjoy our life more the way God allows. So proud of you and your journey! We have been married 42 yrs today and it is gone by fast, so just enjoy the journey where God has you to shine and give him glory!
Edie Kemp
Oh how I laughed(and maybe almost cried) at the apt description of what I struggle with as well! And, really, I do love my own life and wouldn’t trade it but oh how easy it is to become jealous of other’s ‘highlight reels’ and begin feeling guilty, inferior, and insufficient! And here I felt guilty and lazy because ‘the neighbor’s garden’ wasn’t as weed-free as Mrs. Stolzfus’! 😉
It’s true we only see part of the picture! I never would have guessed you felt the same way. “Highlight reels” is an apt description. We never see the other person’s struggles or trials, but envy their high points. I think social media only accentuates this and makes it even easier to think other people have perfect lives.
Thanks for commenting!