The Trials of Traveling With Children

Andy writes his perspective…

About the airplane ride, I was frustrated when Tabitha was separated to them other end of the airplane when there was an empty seat both in front and behind me. I was worried about my wife a bit, being cornered by two burly men and being a bit vulnerable as a woman.

Then just as the plane started to taxi away from the gate Gabe said he needed to go potty! I had tried to get him to go to the bathroom twice before we left with no result, so I told him that he was going to have to just hold it. I managed to distract him for a while, but he started getting more and more desperate. Then we went through the fun of takeoff, and that distracted him a bit, but soon after we took off it began to get worse and worse.

Meanwhile, we got a message from the pilot saying that’s because of turbulence we would all need to stay buckled in our seats for 30 more minutes. Try telling that to a three year old! It got to the point that I had a puke bag out for him to pee into and I was about to press the stewardess button to summon a stewardess and tell her to let the captain know that if he didn’t turn that seat belt light off that there was going to be a three-year-old peeing in a bag in the main cabin.

Finally he turned the dumb light off and we made a beeline for the back. It was a chore to hold Jasmine and guide Gabe back the long narrow aisle, but it was good to see Tabitha there at the back and let Gabe relieve himself.

And yes, all three of us fit inside of the bathroom that was made to be almost just the right size for a stunted hamster, but not quite that big.

Next the nice Stewardess staff came around giving out cookies, and our children were eating the snacks that we had brought along for them. Gabe made a meal out of goldfish crackers alone.

I told Jasmine that she had to eat the rest of her cookie before she could have more goldfish, and I guess she tried to swallow the few remaining pieces whole, and the next thing I knew she had puked a large stomach-full of puke and large pieces of partially digested food all over the seat that she was standing on and a bit on me. It was a real cleanser, I’m sure. The sheer volume of it all reminded me of the river of life springing forth and flowing from inside and producing and producing….

I immediately pushed the emergency button and a stewardess quickly appeared asking if I needed a something. I didn’t want to make a big scene, so I just pointed to the mess, and a horrified expression came across her face. She left and quickly returned with a bag and some paper towels, some wet and some dry. I was able to clean it up very well with that, and then I just kept the bag for the rest of the flight.

It wasn’t long until Gabe said that he needed to poop, so off we went again, trucking back again to the rear of the plane, with one child riding and one being pulled along behind. We managed to squeeze back into the hamster cage and I was actually able to wipe him and everything. I decided I had better check Jasmine while we were there, and it turned out that she had set a world record on the amount of poop that can fit inside one diaper.

Since I didn’t have any wipes or diapers along with me we made another trip up the aisle to our seat. I decided to take a break, and the stewardess crew was making another pass down the aisle, so Jasmine just had to sit in it for a bit until we could get out again.

Back we went again, and it turns out that the bathrooms were actually well put together, and the engineers must have had the same mentality as Jasmine when she filled her diaper. They had utilized every single space! There was actually a flip-down changing table, but it wasn’t quite long enough for her. The diaper was very full, and the contents were the consistency of dryish peanut butter. Nuff said.

After using about half of the wet wipes in the bag, we returned to our seats and the children played happily for the remainder of the flight.

As we walked off the plane, Tabitha remarked to me that it had been such a pleasant, easy ride. “Oh, really?” I said, “Wait till you hear my story!”